Friday, November 15, 2013

Behind The Long Silence...

It's been awhile...I had been contemplating whether to write about this or not, lots of procrastination, as days and weeks and months go by. But I had my reasons.

First, I felt that I had been mentally exhausted, so that I couldn't even think of writing anymore. It was like a sudden disinterest of doing anything actually. I felt I was  doing more of thinking and planning, then worry afterwards. I guess I got the habit of doing this during my previous trips. With that habit of doing it, I didn't recognize I have been piling up a lot of stress on me, physically and mentally, got so much busy about trips and all and suddenly I felt the stress got overblown without any warnings. I probably have been trying to be strong as much as I can...that I have to go on and on, without any breaks in between.

It started when I felt unusual chest pains, and I just suddenly felt I'm gonna die! Being alone most of the time at home, while hubby is at work, I would end up crying and panicking, to the point of feeling  both of my arms being numb and frozen, while my chest felt like it would explode because my heartbeat is beating so fast! I couldn't do any chores at home, it was just like I was attached to the bed, lying down, crying in between while I felt those physical pains..., chest pains, lightheadedness, dizziness, nauseous, the feeling of passing out, headaches...ahhh, crazy! Have you imagined yourself having those at the same time on one occasion? I felt it everyday!!! It felt like a worst nightmare! 

As I sought medical consultations several times, they can't find anything wrong with my heart for the chest pains, (although I still have to undergo a stress test 2 weeks from now, just to be sure.)
The panicking were becoming more and more that my husband have to seek an emergency advice from a doctor after his office hours because I couldn't even talk straight. He prescribed alprazolam to calm me down.
As days turn into weeks and 2 months later, I was developing phobias. Phobias of going out, fear of crowds, fear of public places that are busy...I couldn't eat, and I am losing!

So, it was confirmed, I had the panic attack! The pills helped, but I don't want to develop a tolerance to them, because they are addicting. 
Every morning, I felt the "spells", and I can't go on doing something for the whole day without taking the pill. I prayed every day, morning and night, asking for healing. I cried like a baby, shouting at the top of my lungs calling God. It might sound like crazy for some, but I went through deep sobs, that if you will listen to me, you wouldn't understand anything! Not any person could understand, but I believe God did understand!

During those times that I was calm, I started reading the Bible and a small booklet for devotions. I sang, listen to inspirational music, pray, take note and memorize some bible verses, and started talking to Him like a friend beside me. I had questions. I just told Him I needed urgent answers because this struggle is the toughest one that seem too difficult to handle, but I would be willing to wait on His perfect time to give me answers. I asked Him that while waiting for His answers, He could give me more strength to hang on. And these words were the same every day, morning and night. It was like I was "bugging" Him every now and then, with the same words of prayers daily.

One night, my husband bought me a book, and told me it was suggested by his co worker for me to read, as it might help.

So, I scheduled my readings from my Bible readings early in the morning, and the anxiety book readings during lunch time to early afternoons. Then, I thought it would be nice to begin turning the treadmill on and start my walks in the mornings as you see, as I do these activities more often, the "spells" became less and less often. Surprisingly, as I turn the anxiety book into chapters, I noticed, I was actually doing the right thing. I believed, this is one of the answers God is giving me! It's like, God is helping me but at the same time I have to find some ways to help myself as well. Moreover, the book taught me how to do muscle relaxation techniques and proper breathing exercises. The most essential part that I've learned from this book is the abdominal breathing technique when I feel a panic attack is about to start. It actually helped! It needs a lot of practice to do it right, until such time that you wanna do it everyday. 
The Bible is an inspiration. It gave me a lot of hope. I fervently prayed and I felt my faith became stronger! I thank God for the continous healing. I felt I am progressing in confronting the trigger factors. Of course, I still can't help but cry for thanksgiving! Philippians 4:6 was definitely written on my mind. I promised God I would put it in my heart as well.

Ahhhh!...there are lots of things that I should be sharing more, but I need to shorten this out ;).

I believe I still have some more things to do. There are some practice activities on the book that are worth doing, and with God with me all the time, He finally is giving me  answers to my questions. Once again, He hears my prayers. I must tell everyone...this is not the only instance God heard my prayers. Sometimes, those prayers that I had that took me long waits for answers were given more than what I expected....tons and tons of blessings were given to me, and always came with BIG bonuses! The waits were always worth it! Living a Christian life is always a battle. We have to be Christian soldiers watching the enemy and always ready for the battle whenever he starts messing us up.

Now, I always make it a point to read at least few chapters of the Bible each day. It feels like I can talk to Him more personally that way.


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